Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
