there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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