a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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