It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We are all done wearing pants today
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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