I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
