my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
