Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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