please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
