I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
