ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
