Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
