I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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