Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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