You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
