I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
