first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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