can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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