drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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