I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
