Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
