Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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