so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
