No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
