I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
