all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
