Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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