I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
