Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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