I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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