By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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