doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
