ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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