Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
