You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
