She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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