Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
