Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
