We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
