I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
