so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
