the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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