some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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