Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
