You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
