I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
