I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
