Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
