my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just cropdusted the office
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
