I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
