I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
