dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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