I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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