I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
