Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
