I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
