I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
