There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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