I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
