hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
