Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You may now shotgun with the bride
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize