So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
