She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We got so high we made milksteak
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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