I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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