I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
ugly people sure do ruin things
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
