my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize