is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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