New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
